My Experience with Depression

I’ve been trying to find the right words for how to discuss my experience with depression since January of last year. I know that sounds silly because if I don’t want to share this there certainly isn’t any reason I have to write it. Except that I do have to write it because I have that nasty gut feeling weighing on me to do so. Mental health is a subject that has received a lot of attention recently; that is part of the reason I know it is finally time for me to share this. I always told myself that speaking out about it would be oversharing or that people wouldn’t take me seriously. Mental health disorders are like any other thing in life; people will pretend to have it that don’t and people who don’t understand it will mock it. That doesn’t change the fact that having this conversation can save the life of someone who is truly struggling with their mental health.

Clinical depression is when someone feels low all the time or for an extended period of time. It’s different than the type of depression that often accompanies a life altering event, loss of a loved one, or certain medical disorders. Clinical depression is the product of biological, psychological, and sociological factors in a persons life which means it can be genetic, caused by an underlying medical condition that suppresses the brains happy hormones, or caused by certain environments or abuse. In other words, clinical depression affects people everywhere differently for different reasons. No matter the reason, though, if you are feeling depressed it is always okay to seek professional help if you feel it necessary.

Before I dive in I need to offer a little background story, I was seventeen the first time I had a conversation with my OB/GYN about a disorder I had never heard of, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I remember trying to work out what it meant in my head feeling too awkward to ask questions. My doctor wasn’t looking at me as if death was imminent so I assumed I would be alright. Turns out about ten percent of women of reproductive age also live with this disorder with it manifesting in sometimes drastically different ways. My doctor explained to me that at the surface we knew my body wasn’t making enough estrogen or progesterone and that I would need treatment to help my body do so. He also asked that I find a primary physician to speak to about it and referred me to someone he knew was familiar with the disorder. Through lots of long conversations, blood work, and other various tests it became obvious there were other hormones and chemicals my body wasn’t creating enough of. I started treatments for the PCOS and later on, when I was ready, I met with the physician who would work to help me live as healthily and happily as possible. Perhaps I will write more about those experiences later on, but for now the point is that my experience with clinical depression partially stems from this.

I had just been given the first clue to my greatest roadblock in life I had internalized for years. I always thought I was just young and hormonal and that one day I would spring up out of bed and forget I ever felt weird in the first place. I’m sure you can guess that day never came. As far as words go to describe the times I lacked the self control to keep my cool and had sudden changes in motivation or mood I’ve been called and called myself lovely things like dramatic, unfocused, too strong willed, overly sensitive, lazy, afraid of change, bitch and a multitude of other similar phrases to cover up the real problem. The things I heard and said to myself weren’t all completely untrue, but I never could figure out why I felt, or sometimes acted, the way I did or why I sometimes felt nothing at all. In the same way the world taught me to fear my “flaws”, I was taught to get my self-worth from my “strengths”. The problem was that at the end of the day when the lights went out I would stare blankly at the ceiling while my mind raced, the line between flaws and strengths blurred, and wonder what the point of everything was.

For a long time I just went through the motions. I made good grades, got accepted into a college engineering program, worked multiple jobs, saw my friends, had loving relationships, and forced myself to fit into a mold of who I thought I should be. All the while I kept telling myself, You should be happy… look at all of these amazing things you’re doing and people who love you. I pretended not to notice that I wasn’t living to my full potential and swept under the rug the fact that I just didn’t see the point in everything sometimes. I worked extra hard to be there for other people because that was easier than admitting I needed to be there for myself. I overanalyzed every situation in my life and then analyzed it again just for good measure. My headspace was all over the place and most days I thought about packing up and moving across the country as if that would make anything any different. You can’t escape your own mind, and I couldn’t escape the days where all I could do was lay in bed and beat myself up.

I wavered between placing the blame and not acknowledging there was a problem consistently as an act of avoidance. All the things I tried to distract myself with and all the goals I set for myself to accomplish would crash down in front of me at random times and it would either feel like the end of the world or I wouldn’t even be bothered to care. I realized that every time I had an outburst it was because I had been on autopilot for too long trying to keep up a charade.  I knew I was missing out on living a fulfilling life. I didn’t know if it would help me but I started trying to seize the moment more. I started a budget-travel journey, some of the photos from which you can see below. While it was still another way to avoid the problem at hand, forcing myself out into the world and out of my comfort zone certainly helped me become a more well-rounded individual. The excitement of travel kept me working hard, and it gave me something productive to plan on the days where I needed the escape of something simple to think about. It taught me how to save money up for something I really wanted, and how to be fiscally responsible in a new way. However, that girl in all of those pictures, having the time of her life, still struggled the same as she always had with the thoughts in her head. I still travel today as often as I can because I think it is an important part of my journey, but the difference is now I don’t do it to escape. I do it because it is something I love.

I was twenty-two when I finally admitted there was a problem I couldn’t tackle alone and spoke to my doctor about it. He explained to me the technicalities of endocrine disorders, depression, clinical depression, and discussed some ways I could improve my health all without making me feel attacked or pushed a certain way. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone else about it yet, but he casually brought it up each time we met and offered me some additional resources. I finally had an answer as to what about my life and genetic makeup were contributing to the way I felt. It was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel like I was bat shit crazy.  Up until that point I had felt alone in the way I felt, or didn’t feel, even when in a room full of people. It wasn’t that I didn’t have amazing people in my life that I loved and who were there for me, but only I am present in my own mind. While that fact hasn’t changed, my understanding of how to tackle my own mental health has, and those closest to me now know that sometimes I am just down and it isn’t for a particular reason.

Only I can save me from myself. Only I am responsible for myself.

This isn’t something I want to be defined by. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me nor do I think they should. I am who I am in spite of these things, and even though I can pinpoint a multitude of times I have allowed them to hold me back in life I know I have also pushed through and accomplished goals that seemed impossible to me over and over again.

In January of last year I began quietly overhauling my life. I started a class about maintaining physical and mental health, exercising more, looking after my mental health and just in general forcing myself to reach out of my comfort zone. Exercise helps not only your physical health but also your mental health, and as a result of my lifestyle changes I have managed to lose sixty pounds. I’ve made a large effort to let my friends know when I am feeling extremely down while not compromising their feeling that they can rely on me. There are still days where I can’t get out of bed or I drag myself out of bed because I have to. It is a work in progress and always will be, but now I can say I feel proud of where I am in my journey. I’m proud of myself for making my mental health and for that matter overall health a priority for the first time in my life.

I was reading a post on Tumblr the other day that talked about how often when we list the things we love we don’t add ourselves in. I finally figured out that I may not feel as if I am “normal” sometimes but I’ll be damned if I don’t love myself, broken parts and all. Perfection and normality are not synonymous with beauty, and my self worth isn’t dependent on how others perceive me. It’s okay to feel broken on the bad days, it’s okay to feel complete on the good, and it’s okay to not always fully understand why that happens.

So if you have seen me posting about mental health recently on social media perhaps this offers an answer as to why. This is a subject I am proud to share my experience with, and I am happy that I finally feel comfortable talking about it despite what people might think or say. Thankfully, I was able to seek professional and medical help. It’s okay not to be okay. Don’t suffer in silence. If you need to seek professional help or simply just talk to a peer there is no shame in doing so. If someone dismisses you when you try and speak to them, and trust me I have had people I called best friends do this, then find someone else. I promise you that there are people in the world going through what you are going through. It may not be exactly the same, it may be for different reasons, and they may be at a different stage of their journey than you, but I guarantee you that you will find comfort in speaking to someone who has the capacity to be compassionate and understanding. This is just my journey and what has worked for me to bring myself to a better place; if you’d like to share your experience with me, know what materials I have read on the subject, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact me.

Every life is precious.

-Brooke